Setting Healthy Boundaries For Stronger Family Relationships
There’s this scene in the 1984 movie Sixteen Candles where Samantha’s visiting grandma says something extremely crude about Samantha’s chest and inappropriately touches her while the grandpa joins in with the disgusting, “I’d better get my magnifying glass,” comment. When I think about boundaries and keeping our children safe and empowered, I think about this scene.
In 1984, this scene was hilarious, everyone laughed and then moved on. Today, on the cusp of 2025, this scene would never happen in the first place.
Boundaries teach others how to treat us. They inform others that mutual respect and emotional safety is important with everyone, including family. In fact, healthy boundaries create stronger relationships through mutual trust and more fulfilling sustainable relationships. Children watch us very closely, especially when we think they aren’t noticing at all! With that said, modeling healthy boundaries for yourself around your children further enforces the importance of them.
Explaining what boundaries mean to your kids can be something simple like:
“Boundaries are rules for how we expect others to treat us and how others expect us to treat them.”
“They’re important because they can help us understand each other better and stop us from saying or doing something uncomfortable for the other person.”
Boundaries teach our children to like and respect themselves. You can explain to your children that healthy boundaries include knocking before you go into someone’s bedroom and waiting for an answer before you enter, saying “no” when you feel overwhelmed about doing something and saying “no” to any unwanted touch, even if it’s by a well-meaning family member who wants a hug from you. Generations and generations have been taught not to upset their elders and to “just hug Aunt Kathy so you don’t hurt her feelings,” but teaching consent through boundary setting encourages children to take care of their emotional health.
What makes your children feel safe and respected? Encourage them to use “I” messages like, “I would like it if you ______” or “I feel overwhelmed when_______happens.” Teach your children that even if boundaries are met with resistance, stick with them. Children should feel free from guilt when expressing what makes them feel safe and comfortable. I know firsthand that balancing trust and privacy can be tricky when your kids have rules and are expected to be accountable. Talking through this struggle with your older children can help foster connection AND teaches them that this is a boundary you may be struggling with.
What is ONE boundary you can establish today to strengthen a relationship?
